Dear Grandma | Dealing with loss

Dear Grandma,

I tried to avoid writing this. Just like I try to avoid thinking about you.

But who am I kidding? I think about you every single day.

When I’m heading i10 East and see the “Shepherd and Durham” exit, I think about you every time. You know, there’s this huge house where yours once was. It’s literally unbelievable. The people that will dwell there will never understand the history behind 1042 W. 8th St.

When I got married last October and we asked for, “the grandparents” to come gather around and take pictures, boy…it took everything in my power to smile and choke back the tears that I felt filling my eyes. Cause I was missing a Grandma that day. It was hard with you and my sweet Aunt Nat not being there. I imagined y’all both smiling. I was pretty that day, and I thought about how beautiful you would have told me I was. That’s actually one of the last things you told me on your last birthday I spent with you, January 23, 2014 . I walked into Pappadeaux and you told me I looked like a beautiful, black model. I’ll never forget it. You always said it, so it must be true.

Grandma, it’s not the same. It won’t ever be the same without you. I can’t believe January 30th will be two years since you left us. These last two years without you have flown by incredibly fast.

Grandma, I’m glad you visit my dreams sometimes. Do you think you can visit sometime this next week? This next week I’ll be thinking about you heavy. I would love to see your face and that smile. Can you talk to me this time. Can you hug me? You always leave so fast. Can you stay a while this time?

I just keep thinking about how we had no clue that the week after your birthday would be your last week on earth. We had no clue you would leave 7 days later. Literally 7 days. And only 4 days after Aunt Nat. That was a lot to handle, Grandma.

I don’t want to ramble about you being gone, I know you’re living eternally free now. But, I miss you with every piece of my still broken heart.

I want you to know I can talk about you with a smile on my face, but it doesn’t stop the tear in my eye. Oh, how blessed I am to be able to miss you like this. It’s cause I loved you so much. I was blessed to love you so much. You were just the best. You were one of my very best friends growing up. I would act silly with you and tell you my “secrets” and you would say, “I’m gon tell your mama, girl!” But, you never did.

Sometimes I get so angry with myself for the time I wasted. The time I didn’t take advantage of while you were here. It’s just, I thought I had time. But, I promise if I had of known…I would have stopped by every day after work. I would have called you more. I would have made it my priority. But, I just thought you would always be. How ignorant of me.

I just want to say, Happy Birthday Grandma. Tomorrow, I’ll be thinking about you. But, I’ll try not to cry. I will try to celebrate you tomorrow with a smile on my face, and no tears in my eyes. I’ll try, Grandma. But, I won’t make any promises. 🙂

I love you Grandma. I miss you so much. And I strive every single day to be a woman as great as you, as great as the daughters you and Grandpa raised. I imagine y’all looking down and being proud of me. All I ever wanted was to make you proud of me. I wanted you to be as proud as I was to be your granddaughter.

Love Always,

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